The experience of (temporary) severe disability guided me into real embodiment that is not dissociated anymore, that is literally not able to run away from what is. That is able to stand still and in awareness with what is. It is a humbling experience that reconnected me to grace, to the lifeforce, sheds away layers of traumatic imprints and conditioning. It taught me to see the physical organism as a carrier of collective information. Its cells/molecules have been in formation of uncountable other life forms in time and space, without having had an attachment to personal identity. Personality is created by the mind, the brain’s capability to objectify and to create and process experience and perception, manifested and experienced through a physical, cellular organism.
Since the dawn of mankind, the fight for survival is deeply ingrained, stored and accessible in the limbic system (fear center) of the brain. This caused lots of traumatic imprints and (subconscious) memories in the system: in modern times unresolved trauma of war, genocide, all kinds of abuse, exploitation and violence – symptoms of separation – which become epigenetically inherited to every new generation. The microcosmos of the body talks about it, it reveals through symptoms and disease what asks for recognition and resolution.
Disability made me realise a system, that – from its very base – doesn’t function anymore. Dissociation, escaping, avoidance, running away is literally no option anymore. Ignorance is not bliss. The light of awareness and awakening forces me to face the abyss, the (subconscious) fear, to get familiar and intimate with the unknown.
It made me realise how an organism shuts down when the base information/conditioning turned into a dead end. It made me realise that there is nowhere to go, no better place, no other place, no distant place where a better, happier life can be found. What is essential is just now/here, ever-unfolding from a vast space of “silence”, from a void that births all there is and takes back all there is.
When the body was not an available vessel anymore for the desires of my ego will, the conditioned ego survival mechanisms to endure the trauma of separation collapsed. Followed by a deep shattering realisation that there is no control, that ego will is powerless when facing the lifeforce, that resisting the lifeforce creates a lot of drama and suffering, that just surrender remains. It led me to a point of no return where amidst the collapsing system an expansion happened that is not limited and attached to the physical nor personal identification, but goes beyond. It merges with the wholeness of being, leading to the realisation that there is no separation line between atoms and molecules, between events and appearances, but an ever-ongoing flow, ever shapeshifting of lifeform. Everything is interconnected and interdependent, everything is alive and vibrant, even when in the process of decay, dying and transition.
The body with its nervous system is a receiver and transmitter of information and manifests accordingly. I learned to read and understand its language, it made me aware of the imprints my cells and nervous system are carrying. These imprints are not written in stone, awareness is able to rewrite them, to rebirth life.
Disability gifted me with time and space to bring awareness into my system, into its programming. Its programming caused lots of malfunction, which led to interesting life experiences, that brought me understanding and compassion for the complex nature of the human condition.
Trauma let me experience dissociation and that led me into a realm where a life that appeared unbearable became endurable from a disconnected perspective. It activated addiction and lots of coping mechanisms that enabled me to not stop while walking through the hell of attachment to personal identity and experience.
Lots of traumatic information was collected and stored in my system. Disability forced me to halt, to detach from the noise of the world, to stop chasing shadows and distraction, to stop numbing myself, to stop intoxicating myself.
Disability teaches me the language of the body, of (what) matter(s), and how it becomes manifested via the blueprint of conscious (aware) and subconscious conditioning, in a network wherein nothing is separated from each other but deeply interconnected and interdependent. And how what I perceive as “reality” is a projection of all those imprints, that ask to be embraced and transformed, from subconscious reaction into awareness and response-ability
Disability unplugged me from the mundane matrix of busy agendas and schedules, the obsessive field of keeping up functioning in a distorted reality, no matter the price. It teaches me to walk at a unique pace, with a unique balance. It taught me to see through the neediness for attention, for approval, for validation. It made me become intimate with my existence, with existence itself.
It taught me that slowing down and detaching from desire opens the doors into a new paradigm of peace, of presence, and connects to an unknown kind of power that cannot unfold and operate through the tightness of a limited idea of personality and identification. The lifeforce breaks the illusion down, to enable unfolding and thriving.
It taught me the very crucial part of mindful practice: conscious embodiment. Learning to walk again from scratch is such a profound experience of embodiment.
Realising that all threat and fear are past memories, past trauma (individual and collective) that want to be acknowledged, seen and released into the light of awareness and presence.
Taken home, in reconciliation.