You can’t believe it yet but you have carried her to the grave. Tears run down your cheeks, the time of holding on, of salvaging – it’s over. Torn from you from one minute to the next, the hope that it could get better, that the suffering would be rewarded and thus get a meaning, destroyed and dismissed. Foreseeably and ultimately peacefully, he has taken her away after a long struggle, and resistance to it has also exhausted your energies. For moments you look into what seems to be the biggest chasm that has ever opened up in your life. And you remember that you have glimpsed it many times before.
When it was about to open up next to you, you avoided even looking in its direction and positively glossed over the realities around you. The deep encounters you already had before and next to it. you dipped into transfigured pastel tones that acted on you like transquilizers or painted so dazzlingly that you were jolted restlessly from one senseless action to the next as if on speed. But the dark absorbing, enticing as well as threatening black was only unnaturally lightened by it. It never occurred to you to simply throw yourself into all this heaviness, which your resistance created, and to entrust yourself with to it all the ballast until nothing remained of it. You were too attached to your burden and you got used to carrying it and to the constant complaining over the years.
Now you stand frozen in front of her grave, disillusioned and desperate, and you have no choice but to give up control of her life. All your efforts were in vain, but something is working inside you to regain control, no matter what the cost…