Here I am now. I am all, alone. Naked and vulnerable. Thrown out of paradise, into a wild, yet unknown and cold world: the primal trauma – waking up into the illusion of separation. Out of abundance and oneness into scarcity. If I cannot thrive, I have to survive.
I am trauma. I am sin. I am survival.
Building walls around me to separate you, the external world that seems utterly terrifying, from me. To protect myself from you and the world that has abandoned me, betrayed andhurt me, and left me behind, wounded. I live in a self-created prison.
Everything I crave, I desire, I need lies behind this veil of separation. It is the other, you, the object, the dream in which I lose myself. I must terminate it, destroy it.
Love is a fairytale that exists merely somewhere out there, objectified. I have to find you. And you have to be all that I am not, all that I am longing for – partner, success, intoxication, achievement, power – to fill the gaping emptiness the wounding has left in me. I will hide my pain and dress up in the most dazzling and bizarre ways so you can never see or touch it.
My dress becomes my self-affirmation. So I dress for you to impress you, to attach you, to distract you, to keep you away. I utterly fear your judgment, your rejection. So I have to be better, and I’m never good enough. I am obsession.
In my prison, I do not realize that the wall I have created is a mirror. And while I seek, yearn and desire the love, the validation in you, you turn into me. Shattered, I do not recognize you. And face the very same emptiness, the darkness, the abyss that I want to escape.
And so we meet as threat and survival.
Addiction and withdrawal.
Attack and defense.
Abuser and victim.
Fear and control.
Divide and conquer.
Trying to suppress and destroy each other,
you are the pain inside me
that I want to numb.
The abyss that gazes back into me.
That pulls me into itself, wants to swallow me, absorb me, assimilate me, annihilate me.
You are the enemy I cannot escape.
I am resistance, I am attachment.
You are the war inside me.
I am bare survival.
