It is the last day in this warm, dark, humid place where there is no memory of a first day. It is a place of growth, of still-oneness, of unknowing, of the illusion of safety and security. I never want to escape from there, the idea of “I” or “escape” does not exist here either. There is still no name for the experience, for life, there is no separation between me and the experience. Days and time are meaningless here, nothing is counted, nothing is waited for, nothing passes, everything is pulsation, diffuse sounds, movement, aliveness.
It is a dark paradise where I do not yet know anything about myself, I do not yet really exist and I will never really exist, I will never be given a name, my form will remain forever unknown. I am not here to complete, I am not here, I am not, I am.
Yet I know nothing of this, in this dream into which I grow weightless and unaware. Nameless familiar sounds penetrate my slowly expanding senses out of a still undivided oneness. I am fused, carried, held with my immediate surroundings.
I am not awake, but neither am I asleep. My senses awaken, the impressions of a world “out there” reach me slowly, still very subdued, although the idea of a “world” and “out there” does not exist for me. Everything is “inside” here, in this warm, damp, dark cave of weightlessness, of cluelessness. This is life, this is the whole, perfect life. There is no I, there is no you, here we are still undivided, still one. I know nothing of you, I have no idea of you. I know nothing about mother or father, God, birth, life and death, time and transience. None of this is here, only pure immediate existence.
A sudden tug pierces this seemingly eternal timelessness, invading the experience, pulling ever stronger. Something is tearing and tugging at me, tearing me apart, I become that, I am. Torn. Brief moments, a rupture through eternity. These are intense, fragmented impressions, and I will never find words in this life for all this. Pain, love, joy, separation, grief, death will never meet me in this form, my experience is immediate and nameless.
The familiar darkness around me fades, becomes brighter, dazzling.
And then the light goes out.
