Your mind is confused, where did yesterday disappear to? Yesterday she was still there, warm and soft, and today everything is empty. No approval, no attention, no tenderness. Only oblivion. It’s not true anyway, you don’t know for a long time what to believe outside of what you’ve learned to think. Your world is an arranged mechanism and that’s how it works, if only there weren’t these moments that you can feel, that are doing something to you, that bring you into restlessness, into a kind of vibration, movement, that unleashes your focus for a short time.
Then a door opens, for a split second, and you see something that you can’t see because you want to grab and hold it. You want to consume it, just as you consume everything. Food, people, things, feelings, sensations, experiences. The door closes again.
Several days ago, a potency from yesterday, it was so hard you felt it, deeply penetrating. This is life. Precious moments when you feel the vitality left in you, away from all the obligations, the compromises, the assumed reason, the plan that began to determine your life early on, before you could even think clearly for yourself. Who the fuck?
When you feel how everything inside you is nothing but fire, you cry with delight. When your breathing stops, you suddenly know how shallow your life is, how little this portion of participation is that you allow yourself. By inflating, you take up more space, but you don’t gain more space. Only your prison becomes narrower.
For that moment, you forget who you are. And then you feel this great longing for freedom, for surrender to something beyond your control. A freedom that you can’t take possession of, but a freedom that takes possession of you, pushing you beyond your narrowly set boundaries into an abyss, its deep bottom shimmering warmly golden upwards, behind it another world that has no beyond, the kind you haven’t seen in your dreams yet. But its walls are black and narrow and wide and without hold, as you have seen in your darkest nightmares.
So you surrender the thought of freedom again and cry because you feel so alive in this deep incisive pain that passes through you in the next moment. There is not much left for you, but no one can take this away from you.
