Resurrection/Memory – It was an Easter Sunday or Monday in the second year of the new millennium when an experience, which phenomena are in some notions described as a “Kundalini awakening”, set me irreversibly on fire. That time of my beginning to mid-twenties has been utterly challenging. I have been some strange mixture between being fatalist, excessive, mesmerizing, intoxicating, illuminating, borderline, trauma, curiosity, depression, euphoria. I was addicted to intensity and also trying to numb my wide-awake senses and sensitivity, which made perception often overwhelming. It failed a lot, no way to numb this piercing presence, that cannot be lied to.
There always has been a mysterious force and guidance that accompanied me through life. I experienced it through peculiar confidence, synchronicities, profound sudden insight and temporary sparks of bliss. A strange sensation of being protected while roaming some really dark places. I was driven by a strong flight response from trauma in my early twenties, which went hand-in-hand with addictive behaviors. However, there came a time, when escape was brought to a halt and I found myself being in a place of literal confinement for some time. It enabled this first profound paradigm shift in my life. Because of the lack of distraction, I started to meditate a lot. In this place of solitude, where life seems to be locked in and separated from the noise, distraction, intoxication and busyness of the world, I experienced increasing states of bliss and an utterly strange and strong presence, vibrancy and connectedness, an unnamable force emerging. For the first time in my life, I also realized that freedom and peace are states of being, independent of external circumstances.
On that Easter weekend, this culminated in an incredible, unfathomably intense experience, that pierced all layers of that momentary existence. I felt suddenly like being struck by some lightning, electricity running through my whole body, which started to vibrate and shake violently, there have been hot and cold flashes, I was sweating and freezing at the same time, and a never before experienced strangeness was felt, very alien and otherworldly. I kind of thought that I’d die now, that this would be the end. But there hasn’t been fear, there was mere awe and surrender to this intense force that has taken over me. I don’t know how long all of this had then lasted, it must have been a few hours until it slowly calmed down. After I became more grounded again, not yet knowing at all what had happened I turned on my TV and the first thing that appeared on the screen was the word “Contact”, which gave me some weird excitement and shivers under my skin. It was the introduction of the movie of the same name, and in some way, the scene where she traveled in the shuttle through the wormhole was quite an interesting analogy to what had just been the experience. I was totally astonished, the strangeness continued. Something deeply ignited in me, and it should determine all the years that followed.
Life went on then with times of profound catharsis and purging of traumatic imprints, changing with times of crazy, between blissful and also often demanding life experiences. Becoming a mother while my mother died. Motherhood taught me responsibility. This deep love to my children has deeply attached me to this human life I wanted to escape before.
And so the years went by, leading me after years in my beginning forties into another profound shift, as devastating as divine. It destroyed the fabricated personality and its conditioned survival mechanisms. It let the entity and the avatar experience severe physical disability, so-called “incurable” disease, very “dark nights of the soul”, but also satori and enlightenment-like states. I kind of had to reincarnate and learn a lot of things anew, slowly, profoundly, almost from ground zero. It filled the void after the entity was widely destroyed with otherworldly bliss. And love, understanding. A love I haven’t known before. It was pure love of life, pure lifeforce, pure life will. Essential and detached from form, appearance and sensation. Everything became vibrant and valid, there was no death, no end of anything anymore, just emergence into some unfathomable boundlessness that loses more and more its artificial form and becomes liberated from its conditioned confinements.
In this boundless vibrancy, every temporary form has space, to appear, to vanish. To be born and to die, to manifest and to be destroyed.
Now, on my 48th orbit around the sun, I’m prepared, aligned, ready to die at any time, all is fulfilled. There is nothing to achieve anymore, and there was never anything to achieve. The great mystery has taken me into its heart, and it pervades the world timelessly, patiently waiting to be recognized in all its terrific and terrifying colors and shapes.