I’m living on the edge of nothingness. I’m tired, tired of engaging, participating in any temporary illusionary phenomena, no matter to which idea they may belong. There’s just no desire for anything, anymore. Just breathing, sensing movement, vibration, pulse, sound. Awareness.
This tiredness is not of heavy nor lethargic nature, don’t get me wrong. It’s not fatigue and not exhaustion. It’s the tiredness of writing the same old stories, dressed in new narratives, again and again. All stories are made up, created out of words, and word is made of letters. A letter is sound. “A” is a sound. Just listen.
I’m fine with sound, letting it be whatever it just is. Not giving it any meaning, although everything seems to scream for significance. Who am I? What is my purpose? What is going on? Why is this happening?…and truth truth truth and lies lies lies.
There’s a tiredness to attach to anything transient, to attach to perception, to sensation, to appearance, to a definition. Tired to attach to the illusionary nature of the dream, of time, to any agenda of “better”, which inherently needs the worse for its purpose. Tired of tomorrow, of perspective, improvement, of healing; all of what qualifies the present as flawed and not good enough.
Just letting it be, whatever it is, without judgment, without giving it meaning or purpose, without building a narrative around it. Listening to the raw sound and just expanding with it, without the desire to create a song, to make music out of it.
And there’s a lot of music played in the world. Some music talks to me, some seems to be more like noise, but when it’s raw sound there’s just listening. No-one is talking, no-one tells a story, nothing is said. It’s just pure awareness of sound. I can listen to any sound, it enters, it leaves, without occupying the mind. All is sensation. Temporary, transient.
There is tremendous peace in just listening to sound, in not giving it meaning. The moment I give it sense, the mind machine kicks in, asking questions. Is it true? Or an illusion? Why is this? What does it mean? What can I do? And in interpretation truth and lie are created. And belief. I’m tired of all of this. I’m tired of participating in a world full of truths and lies. In a world made out of mind concepts. Tired of choosing to follow a truth that might become a lie tomorrow. Tired of engaging in a war between the “good” music and the “noise” while all of them are just sound by nature. Sound, that emerges from silence and turns to silence.
From this tiredness peace and equanimity can rise. Yes to it all, and no to it all. There is no ground under my feet, anyway. The void has no ground. Whatever is supposed to be true or a lie, it will just fall through the groundless ground, dissolving into the vastness. There is no position in the void. All position is illusionary. It’s all mind games.
I’m listening to all of it now. In listening there is no truth nor a lie. All is just what it is. A brief sensation, accompanied by thought and feeling. Volatile, impermanent, without any foundation.
And while the world is full of news, there’s nothing new in the news. All are made-up stories, all narratives have already been told, all words have been used and are depleted, all stories are repetition.
Just the essence of a story will never change. The essence of story is void.